Parenting In Grace

crossWayne has found a new book on parenting in grace and can't wait to share it with Brad. Loving our Kids on Purpose by Danny Silk not only gives a framework for parenting children, whether they are toddlers or adults, but it also gives some wonderful insights into how God disciplines his children in his love to help us live free from the bondage of sin. Joining them in the studio is their good friend Mick Silva, who appeared on a previous podcast. He was visiting LA and as a young father joined Brad and Wayne for their discussion. Not only will this book give you a framework for parenting children, whether they are toddlers or adults, it also gives some wonderful insights into how God disciplines us out of love to set us free from the bondage of sin. You can find out more at the Loving On Purpose website.


  1. Thank you so much for finding this book. I have older children but I have to believe that it is never too late to do things right. I’m sure it won’t be long before I have grandchildren and I want to make that Heart Connection with them! I guess like most parents of older children I wish that I would have done so many things differently and this book seems to say exactly what we know once we’re done with our raising influence… when we feel that it is too late. My youngest is a teenager and I really want to begin to incorporate these things into my relationship with her!! Thank you so much! Your podcast has been so great for me. I am glad that Amazon put your “So You Don’t Want to go to Church Anymore” book on my recommended list! I have just started The Shack. I’m sure that it will be meaningful also! I have always felt different and alone in my absence from “going to church” and yet having a relationship with my Creator and Redeemer. Thank you for your willingness to let God lead you.

  2. Thanks Wayne and Brad for the Parenting in Grace discussion and for including Mick Silva. For many of us, it’s a topic that brings regrets and disappointments to mind as we think of the ways we went about raising our kids. Of course, we had the best of Christian intentions and fervor. We all read books to be one up on our friends and to find the right way to do it. But basically we only get one shot at it. And then we have to face the reality of seeing that apparently most of what we gave them didn’t make them turn out the way we hoped. We find they make up their own minds! You discussed how we teach them the right things to do which so often leads them to break away from that.

    Perhaps, too, the pressure of christian peers urges us on to have the best behaved children (you talked of the humiliation and feeling of disrespect shown when they push that power button in church). But I’m reminded, though, that it’s Father who has embarked on this mad adventure of letting untrained parents be the ones who have the task of raising the future of the world. And he will have it no other way.

    What I have been thinking lately, as we discover this road of living loved and loving out from there, is that the first part of our lives with parents, friends and church, is what shapes us and our view of God. Perhaps by mid teens or so we are unconsciously molded. Then we set about fully entrenching ourselves in doctrines or christian habits to solidify that position.

    But here’s the amazing part! Once Father gets our attention, and we realise where we’ve been living from all those years – out of all those false notions and images of God – the consequences of so much of that well intentioned input from our parents, friends and church has to be undone. Brad mentioned how much he is aware that ‘God has been growing me up over the years’. Perhaps like us, he is aware of the retraining process we all have to go through once we are ‘out of home’. It seems such a strange way for God to work but worth being aware of as we work so hard at training our children.

    I love the sound of the book. Perhaps it is good though to remember that no matter how good the guides we engage to help us on the way, the aftermath process should still be expected in our children. We need to hold them loosely but precious, being prepared to walk with them in their ‘choices after home’. After all, that’s what we discover Father is doing with us. How gracious!

    Thanks again for your input to our journey

    Geoff & Bron

  3. I grabbed this book as soon as it appeared on Wayne’s blog. I too have grown kids one 18 yr old who graduates this spring from home schooling. I love this book on so many levels. So many friends and family with small children I am having to restrain myself from buying a case of books.
    This book wonderfully dovetails into the God Journey I am experiencing. I loved the bit toward the end about what submission really means. And the transparancy in sharing their experiences in real challenges to their methods. What a blessing to keeping it real with the kids, sharing their fears and when you are relationally connected heart to heart it honors their personhood. It is so cool!!!
    I feel like we are witnessing God moving through His kids where they are learning what Wayne was told by an “atheist” on the airplane. Get the verticle loving right and then we’ll know how to treat each other(lateral relationships)right. Maybe I would change “right” to loving well. The whole first part of this book focuses on parents learning to live loved and as that happens it spills out into loving children. This is not a formula book, thank you Jesus. Every child (all God’s kids) are so unique. As He loves me in my uniqueness, I get to love our kids in the way that is from above and helps them to discover who they are In Him, and how wonderfully fearfully made they truly are. THis is never too late to learn because even though children may be grown you are relating to them forever.
    Another book we have found in our ministry to the body that is similiarly designed is Marriage the Journey by Anne Trippe. And again its not a formula at all. The first half focuses on getting your needs met by Abba first and as that happens the Spirit guides you into loving your spouse.
    I guess thank you Julie for sharing your discovery with your dear old dad. Keep it up.
    Joni Edmond, OK

  4. It is so wonderful to be able to listen to the podcast and joureny with you. I have found the Danny Silk book “Loving Your kids on purpose” so wonderful. It has challenged me, stretched me in my thinking of how my wife Louise and I are raising our 3 children. So often it is out of a place of fear that we rule over our kids with control and seldom allow our kids to make mistakes and to lead them and guide them to make decissions for themselves, always pointing them to Father.

    Louise and I download all the podcasts and have long chats over what was said. You both are a gift to the body of Christ. Blessing to you and yours.

    Much love

    mark and Louise Wilkinson

  5. I’m now 19 and experiencing being a dad. I must say although it feels good it’s still hard. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but to be honest, the hard part is having to balance time. My daughter is great and makes managing her never dreadful. -Teen dad

  6. Thank you so much for this podcast. My husband and I are strong believers in parenting through relationship, and not to control our children. That is how we both were raised… We have worked with teenagers for several years, and what we see among many Christian teens is an inability to think for themselves. The leaders in many youth groups, then, are the rebellious teenagers (because they actually do think for themselves). We want our children to grow up to be leaders, and we believe that the way to do that is to guide them towards right choices rather than to tell them what to do and what to believe.

    As a side note, I hear the term “behavior modification” and “conditioning” and “punishment” in many parenting resources today. Before I became a stay at home mom I was a teacher. One of the things I learned in my behavioral psychology classes was a method of dealing with children called “behaviorism”. The terms above are behaviorist terms. I think it is hilarious that Christians who claim to be parenting “biblically,” especially the ones who claim to hate psychology, call their methods “Christian parenting” when all they are doing is following the principles of behaviorism.

    • Hi, Carissa

      I love what you wrote about relationship with parenting kids! 🙂 I’m not sure if you’ve heard of Gordon Neufeld, he is a developmental psychologist. His work and material is amazing.

      Here is a quote from the book Rest Play Grow by Deborah MacNamara, PhD (She was taught by Gordon Neufeld)

      “In behavioural/learning approach, a child’s behaviour is shaped and maturity is taught. The unspoken assumption is that a child learns to be mature, with parents controlling this process rather then growing them towards maturity by providing the conditions for it to unfold.”

      And this quote:

      “In the developmental/relational approach, parents are like gardeners who seek to understand what conditions children grow best in. Their focus is on cultivating strong adult-child relationships that provide the foundation on which full human potential is realized. Parents use their relationship to protect and preserve a child’s emotional functioning and well-being. Developmentalists don’t seek to carve maturity into a child but work to support the conditions to grow children up organically. There is a natural development plan that drives growth, and parents are the key providers when it comes to creating the conditions to unlock it, Just as in physical growth, children are born with inner growth processes that, if supported, propel them towards greater psychological and emotional maturity. Maturation is spontaneous but not inevitable. Children are like seeds: they need the right warmth, nourishment, and protection to grow.”

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