The Wounds of the Betrayer (#728)
What's worse, the wounds of a person who has been betrayed, or the wounds the betrayer suffers himself? An email Wayne received after their last podcast invites Kyle and Wayne down a different fork in the road—considering what the betrayer himself goes through. It's one thing for the betrayed to move forward, and quite another for the one who did the betraying. How do they find a way back to reconciliation, healing, the grace to be restored again in the work Father wants to do through their lives?
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Today’s podcast was for me, I am the betrayer. About 10 years ago I really hurt my best friend of over 10 years. We had been roommates for 7 years. Out of jealousy and insecurities I had that he was pulling away, and out of my own issues, over about five months I ruined our 10 years of strong friendship by slashing tires, telling lies, and trying to ruin his relationships. At the time I was found out, he told me he forgave me. The night I was confronted about the things I had done, I thought about taking my own life, yet I knew this was not the thing to do, and out of love for my family I could not do this. I moved to another city a few months after this. It was the best thing for me at the time, because most of our friend were mutual friends, so it was all very embarrassing. It was a very tough time for me, moving to a new city for a new job and not knowing anyone, and missing my family and friends, and especially this one friend’s friendship that I had ruined. I was still so sad for all the things I had done. Over time I have reached out to try and have more reconciliation. I have not heard from this friend since June of 2010 when all of this went down. I have prayed so many times that we would be reconciled, however I have come to accept more and more that this reconciliation may not happen in this life. It had become easier over time to continue to move on with my life. Back when this all happened I never thought I would be able to. I wanted to share a little about how hard it is being the betrayer. Yes, it is hard to talk about and definitely not socially acceptable to share these thing. Appreciated today’s podcast so much – thank you for talking about this.
Bradley, thank you for lending your voice here. Your pain comes through in your email and I do hope some of the things we shared were encouraging to you. It’s amazing that you’ve reached out to be reconciled, even more so that you’re not forcing it, but letting him have the space to re-engage or not. I’m sorry for what overran your life than that you destroyed such a valuable relationship to you. I’m amazed how much God gets past this. We have all done things toward God that betrays his grace and love, and yet when we turn to him he is always there. I pray God will continue to lead you graciously, heal the wounds in your heart, and bring others into your life with whom you can celebrate friendship…
Thank you for praying for me. At the time I went throught the lowest valleys, a friend of mine in Atlanta referred me to “He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not” which really helped me get over the worst parts of feeling like I had wrecked my life. So thank you again.
Thanks for the podcast. I was thinking (not even close to understanding it) a bit about Judas’s story last night after listening – particularly the statement that you believe Judas could have been healed if he went to Jesus to be restored.
One of the things that makes me most sad is who Judas tried to reach out to after he was filled with remorse. You know when you do something really horrific, you really hope for a safe place to land, and the chief priests were about as far from that as I can imagine when they responded “what is that to us? It’s your responsibility”, they really didn’t care. What amazes me even more, is they couldn’t put the money back into the treasury because it was “blood money”, freely acknowledging it, but still didn’t have any questions of conscience taking it out of the treasury in the first place. When John and Jesus said they were like a brood of snakes, I think of it particularly in the sense that you don’t want to be close to them in your worst moment. I find the whole thing so sad – and see that type of thing happen other places too (in life, even movies) – wish there was something redemptive there.
How about the wounded(almost dead)person who is betrayed but can do nothing about it because he died.Never knew anything about it till after his death.He let me know exactly what he thought of me after he died.
My adopting father
(From Wayne:) I’m not sure what you’re asking here, Daniel. Do you feel that you did the betrayal and the one you did it to is deaD? If you didn’t know anything about it, how was it betrayal? Was it just a mistake you made or a misunderstanding. Either way, you will now find your forgiveness in God, knowing that he will be able to straighten it out through the veil of death, or after. Talk to God about it. You might even want to talk to an empty chair as if your adopting father is sitting in it. Tell him what you’d most want to say with God alongside. That can really help sort out some things for you inside God.
Really enjoyed this podcast and a new perspective of what it could have been like for Judas in the context of his pre-Jesus life. I can imagine the shame Judas felt was so overwhelming that he felt he could never show his face again to anyone, let alone the people he had spent the last 3 years ago. The cross hadn’t happened yet, so he didn’t really know the other side of the story that we know, and at the same time there are many Christians who have taken their lives feeling they couldn’t face another day.
Betrayal is an interesting word and I wonder if its meant to be one sided. Its not often that we choose to betray someone, but like Bradley wrote above, our own fears and insecurities often lead us to hurt others and do irrational things to elevate ourselves above them, which in itself can be an act of betrayal for the other person.
With my own experience of being betrayed by someone I deeply respected and honoured – I made contact in the form of writing a letter, expressing my hurts, loss of trust, and forgiving, but I didn’t want to engage in any conversation. The challenge was that he was eloquent in words and had used it as a form of manipulation within the relationship (knowingly or unknowingly). His response to my letter indicated no ownership so I chose to cut him out of my life.