Masculinity Without Domination (#990)
"To turn boys into men, we teach them to disconnect from vulnerability, from their feelings, from others. The consequence of a disconnected boy is a disconnected man." So says Terry Real, therapist and author who specializes in helping boys and men who struggle to find connection in a world where few men model healthy relationships. He was interviewed on a podcast that Kyle and Wayne both listened to and wanted to share the nuggets they gleaned from it. Intimacy comes from vulnerability, and when men only learn how to act out of anger and aggression, they do tremendous damage to themselves and others. They miss out on the gift of life, which is relational joy with their spouse and others.
Podcast Notes:
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I haven’t listened to today’s episode yet, but will before the day is over, but reading just the description inspired me to post the following to my Facebook today:
Let me take a moment to be open, honest and venerable. For various reasons, many still unknown, I grew up without being in touch with my emotions and feelings. Over time this led to me developing what was eventually diagnosed as an intimacy disorder. This played a part in the end of my 17 year marriage, and caused damage to many of the other relationships in my life. An intimacy disorder refers to persistent difficulties in forming or maintaining healthy, emotionally connected relationships. It can manifest in various ways, including fear of commitment, difficulty being vulnerable, and a tendency to push away those who get too close.
Individuals with an intimacy disorder may struggle to feel emotionally connected to others, leading to feelings of loneliness or isolation. Many also struggle with a both a fear of rejection, and a fear of vulnerability, not understanding that a core component of intimacy is vulnerability. This can cause them to push away individuals who get too close, even those they are romantically involved with. People with an intimacy disorder have difficulty expressing their emotions openly, leading to a sense of emotional distance in relationships. Intimacy disorders can stem from past traumas, including abuse, neglect, or abandonment, which can create deep-seated fears and mistrust.
I went to therapy after my divorce, which is where I was first diagnosed with an intimacy disorder, and where I was first introduced to this feelings and emotions wheel (https://allthefeelz.app/feeling-wheel/). For the first time that I can remember I was learning how to identify my emotions and feelings and how to understand and embrace them. Learning that there are no “bad” feelings, and finding that even those that feel unpleasant serve a purpose. Instead of pushing away feelings like sadness, anger, or jealousy, learning to recognized them and understand them, helps me find healing and move into a place of living healthy with my emotions and feelings. Suppressing, denying, or pushing them away only leads to brokenness and hurt.
In the years since my divorce I have learned how to understand and feel my emotions and feelings better than I had in all of the previous years of my life. I still have moments where I fall back into the fear of rejection, and a fear of vulnerability, but I am getting better at it. I have confessed my shortcomings in this area of my life to my children and have encourage them to be aware of and to embrace all of their emotions and feelings. They know that their dad knows and understands that real men and women do cry, real men and women do get hurt, and that real men and women do feel all of the emotions on the feelings wheel, and that is okay. God us with our emotions and feelings for a reason, and if we stay focused on him we can learn from all of those emotions and feelings.
Thanks for your comment Jon. You’ve done a lot of growing there and I’m sure your journey will inspire others.