When Marriage Falters (#1031)
Kyle has been talking to some couples, 8-12 years into marriage, who are discouraged that they are no longer able to find a meaningful connection with their spouse. He invites Wayne into a conversation about what a couple can do when they realize their spouse isn't who they thought they were when they were dating. After they open with beauty in the midst of misery, and our false theological certainties that make it easy to scapegoat others, they share how important it is that marriages grow through mutual influence—letting the needs, desires, and struggles of our partner become part of our journey as well. They also talk about the importance of living out of internal fullness to navigate the more difficult moments.
Podcast Notes:
- The video version of this podcast
- Wayne's Great Day Colorado Interview
- Psychologists say this 'green flag' is one of the strongest predictors of a successful relationship
- Get your copy of Just Love
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Just wandering when or if there will be an audio release of Just Love? Being a self employed painter I often listen to books or podcast while working. It has so much greater impact and clarity hearing how it is meant to be conveyed by the authors.
We are working on an audio version, but it will four to five months to get it all done. There’s a lot going on here.
People will probably hate me, but in all honesty before God I think people who entered a marriage without telling about their unresolved trauma, trying to hide it, should deeply apologize to their partner. I have seen this too many times and to be totally honest, especially women run into a relationship instead of really deeply going after their issues in counselling.
A marriage is not thought for cleaning up someone’s past. The deep problem is that the relationship very often gets unbalanced this way, the traumatized person needing, and when married, begins to demand perfect behaviour from her partner while not being able to love her partner the way he really is. Most marriages break for this very cause and its diverse consequences sooner or later, because marriage is thought to be mutual love, not one-sided ministry. Hate me now, I don’t care. The next generation needs to know and be aware of the incredible severity of this issue, causing so much harm, burnout and destruction, holding down so many people who would really want to live for Jesus in constant marriage conflicts and issues, taking away endless amounts of time and energy instead of serving the Master together, its all about the bad marriage.
If you are in a marriage like that and could not even say something like that to your spouse, because you know it would stir up days of bad mood and fabricated conflicts, just show her this post, blame it all on me, say this crazy Jo has a very harsh opinion, you were just curious what she thinks about it.
Jo, you sound as if you have some firsthand experience with this. And you’re right, it is soul-destroying to have a partner who demands perfection as a way to manage their own survival needs. I’m so sorry for whatever you might have experienced here and what it robbed from you.
I agree that people should be honest with each other about all their stuff before they get married, but in the real world, that rarely happens. People put on their ‘best self’ when they are cultivating a romantic relationship. Young people, especially, are immature relationally and only thinking what they can get out of the other. To be honest with others, we have to first be honest with ourselves, and sometimes that comes later in life.
My wife didn’t even know of her trauma until we’d been married 46 years. From the start, she didn’t want me to just capitulate to her trauma, but she wanted to find her way through it. I’ve done nothing more valuable in my life than to walk with Sara through this season of her life as we “honor her trauma” together by making choices that respect what she’s been through. When I stand before God face-to-face, I will know that I loved this woman well, even through the pain that none of us knew about. But that has a lot to do with how Sara as responsed to all of this.
And I agree that much pain results when one partner demands compliance from the other instead of seeking to grow together, not only toward each other but also toward maturity as a person and as a follower of Christ.